Last radiation treatment today

[Uben]

CArol will have the last of five radiation treatments today on her vertebrae. The chemo doc asked if we could get it done early today because she says she wants to admit her to the hospital. She wants to do a colonoscopy and endoscopy. Carol is getting so weak, it is becoming an ordeal just getting to and from the van.

We were told this was a recurrence of her breat cancer nine yrs ago, but it looks now like it is something new, and this is an attempt to identify the primary cancer source. It could be anything, says the doc. I'm not getting any clear answers, and it's really pissin me off. I thought maybe they knew and were waiting until after the holidays to tell me.....you know...bad news. But, I'm thinking they really don't know at this point.

We do know it's cancer, and has spread throughout her body, and will eventually take her life. Everything we are doing now is palliative care, trying to make her time left better and longer. It is living hell watching someone you love die.

I almost welcome the admission to the hospital, as I know they can do pain management more effectively. Bone cancer pain hurts. I bet a lot here can testify to that. I experienced bone pain a few years back when I broke a leg. I just hope this is temporary, but I can't help but think we are in "end game". The thought of her leaving home and not returning is......well..you know. Probably just my depression talkin to me.

I am at the point I am afraid to leave the house and leave her alone, but she won't let me call someone over to set with her while I go to town for necessities. We are very private. We like our solitude, but that will have to change now. We have had a thousand offers of help....neighbors friends and family. I asked folks to stop bringing food. She has no appetite and I am eating very little due to nerves, so it just goes to waste. We live in a gated lake community and have for 20+ years. We have both been active in the community, and everyone knows us. So, help is never more than a phone call away.

Sorry for the long rant, but at 4:30 in the morning, there's not that much to do. I can't sleep.

What will today bring? Who knows? One foot in front of the other...keep trudging..keep fighting. It's what we do.