If you said that before I somehow missed it. Stay away from him. Sometimes it takes a huge change in your life, like moving away....far away and starting over. How many triggers are there where you are? How many times to you drive by a place where he started to get violent or it was a place he cheated on you, or a place he called you something horrible? How many times a day are you in a situation that causes you to flashback to something horrible? I know this is scary and I know that it might not even be possible for you but at least get out of the business you have to share with him. Can you? Can you afford not to?
The mocking and lies are all controls. He needed you for something, who knows exactly what it was for him, but the mocking and lies were to keep you in line and make him the strong one.
polly, you have been hurt beyond what most people can fathom. Thankfully my situation did not include physical abuse or I might have killed him, I went through all that as a kid and will never ever allow anyone to hurt me like that again. Well, now same with the other stuff.
I know this sounds stupid but it does work. Start a journal. Ask yourself questions and answer them. Ask again in a week and see if the answers have changed. Write about something you remember that was painful and write how you think you should have responded, as an adult removed from the situation you may be able to change how you respond to abusive situations. Write your feelings daily and most of all tell yourself what a wonderful person you are. I don't know you but I bet you are a perfectly wonderful person. Write your hopes and dreams, make some plans to get there. It sounds like you have started that already. Truly, you need someone to help you. We can support you here and give you ideas from things that have helped us and it helps us in our journeys to do so but we can only offer that.
You do not need or deserve a person who would do this to you. I know you can't trust yourself right now. I don't think I will ever trust myself or anyone else ever again but maybe you can. You made some errors in judgement. Figure out what they were and why. These things might start you on a journey that will help you discover yourself away from that situation. It hurts me to read about what you are going through but as I said, it helps more than hurts to revisit that and see what helped me the most and what I have learned and hope that you can do the same. Go into this with your eyes wide open, it is a long and difficult journey but the best one you will ever take for yourself.
Stay out of harms way with this guy. Please.
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