turns out i'm not mentally ill after all.

[mopinko]

28. it's kinda scary, tbh. normal. who knew?

feel a tad dizzy. i had a manic reaction to a med once, and a lot of this is the same. but so far no sign of the downside. the paranoia, the nerves. i have lots of energy, but it doesnt have quite the jagged edge.
but i can still sit still. very still these days, in fact. i sleep the sleep of the dead. the other day i woke up in the exact same position that i fell asleep in. i'm a rt side sleeper, but i often lay on my left side at first, because that is the side of the bed where the dogs sleep.
i woke up on my lt side, and neither dog had moved a paw, either.

but all in all, not really afraid. i have spent 6 decades asking questions that only lead to more questions. trying to draw a line from this fact to that one. tests and med trials and plausible explanations for inexplicable symptoms.
those straight lines have grown to an exponential network. it's a big, beautiful tree.
and now i am seeing the leaves, and i know about the roots, because they are mirrored in the crown. and now i am seeing the blossoms. and the pollen. and the bees. and the growing fruit.

and i am one happy farmer, cuz i know that is what my job is. and i'm pretty damn good at that.