my father was an alcoholic. i think, think, that was where this model started.
it was a worthy pursuit to explain his behavior as anything but a character flaw, or a sin, or a disgrace. as all fail all day.
worthy. very worthy, and such a comfort at the time for my family.
when i started my little farm 8 years ago, i found myself re-examining my da.
i get my gift w plants and animals from the genes of my farmer ancestors, and he fed that gift some high powered food.
we were all at least grudgingly grateful for the brains in that gene, but that is about the only thing anyone could find to put on his side of the ledger.
but i'm the only one of us 7 who had a real daddy/daughter relationship w him, or much more than a little fondness.
a film school student did a short documentary on my farm, and it really surprised me that the parts he used were when i was talking about my da. in the film i keep saying "my father". when i was little, he was dada. for all of us he was and is dad. never da. but somehow that irish word inserted itself in the conversation, and dropping that d made it a much better descriptor.
the money bit was me saying that i think about how much he would love to come sit at my farm. what peace he might have finally found here. even w a healthy life, he would be gone now. but i lost him when i was 17. it was really a sort of selfish wish, because that would have given me so much peace too.
i told him that i loved it and that the story he built was totally true, but it wasnt the story of my farm so much, which is what i thought we had been talking about.
(that little 8 min film got accepted by the city for their "movies in the park" series. a bunch of independent shorts, and a studio movie. i think they showed it in 3 different parks. just took a quick look for the link, but didnt find it. will look later, but i started scrolling through the vids on my fb page, and realized i was seconds from the event horizon of a black hole, so i got the heck out of there. will find it and add link)
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