This may be it

[OldBaldy1701E]

54. I used to believe in that social contract as well.

Until I realized that my name was always in the 'give' column.

It is not just the depression. I look where I am financially... socially... career-wise... this is all factual. Not hypothetical. I have nothing. I am nothing. No one depends on me for shit. I depend. I need. If no one was willing to help the (relatively speaking) healthy, able-to-return-the-favor me, why should anybody help the one that is only going to need more and more of it, without end? There is no way that I can cover what it is taking and is going to take to keep my decrepit ass alive anymore.

Of course they did not. I was an actor for 43 years. But, after three major failures, I know I am not capable of just doing it because I don't want it to be painful, and I doubt there is a way to die that is not painful. However, I feel enough darkness and despair may finally creep in that I might be able to overcome the survival instinct thing. Still weighing all the options of course. But, there are not many.