This is going to be a very rough day

[Siwsan]

Today is my late sister's 66th Birthday. She died in 2015 and I have yet to really get a handle on my grief.

I've always felt a massive amount of 'survivor' guilt because she was a wife, mother, beloved teacher, active in her church and pretty much loved by everyone. Her death was a massive loss to so many. I never doubted that if my mom had ever been forced into a 'King Solomon's Choice' between her two daughters, my sister would be the one who was still here. In a way it was a blessing that mom was so overcome by Alzheimer's, when my sister died, that she never had to feel that pain.

My sister and I were very, very close. I was the one who stayed with her after she gave birth. The one who would take the kids so she and her husband could have some time together. Unfortunately I've now had to accept that I am a casualty to their dad's 'new' relationship, which is really just a reunion with a former girlfriend who couldn't possibly be any more opposite of my sister and seems determined to isolate my former brother in law from our family. Well, and she succeeded. He was pretty clear on where I now stand in his list of priorities, which is I'm not on it. Today has brought all of this crashing back into my mind.

I could go on an on about what has happened over the past 8 years, but I'm still dealing with the anniversary of my dad's death, and the loss of little Tudor, on Sunday.

It seems the best thing for me to do is put today on hold and spend the day with all of my fur babies.