I'm sorry, it WAS my fault, and I can't accept being told otherwise.

[Denninmi]

I'm kind of sick of the "it's not your fault" attitude about "what happened". It is most certainly NOT helpful to me.

I got that in "therapy Thursday". And, while I hate to disagree with someone I have trusted for so many years, I do disagree with my therapist about this one. I was also told the same thing by the psychiatrist last month. And, I disagree.

Absolution is fine in some circumstances. Not in this one, not for me at least.

There is only ONE big monkey on my back these days, and it's "Shame". Or, maybe more accurately, two, "Guilt" over being in a position to allow my self to act in a way that left me ashamed of my own behavior. Shame and Guilt. A powerful combination.

How does it possibly help me to go through life with an attitude of "oh well, it's beyond your control, therefore, you can just get away with whatever, and no one will call you on it, because you know, it's not your fault, you have a mental illness" ???

Fine, mental illness, check, I get that part. But that isn't an excuse to be allowed to coast through life fucking up one thing after another without consequence.

I am going to have to live with this for years before I can even "let go". That's how I am, anything "big" in life that has ever gone wrong has always haunted me for years. Maybe that is indicative of PTSD? I don't know. Whatever.

Maybe the ass who told me I should have to wear a scarlet letter was right. Maybe I should, because I would deserve everything I got from people if that were the case.

Please Don't Extrapolate this beyond me, I'm NOT trying to make any kind of broader statement about anyone other than myself. I don't think that way about anyone else, it would be beyond reprehensible. But I feel this way about myself, because, I guess, I was weak, and I let things spiral out of control far beyond where they should have. And that is totally my fault.