I'm pretty low about various things right now.

[tama]

9. Remember

the strength in you when you stood up against your abusive father to defend his victims? When you were just a small child who loved - or at least wanted to love also your father, as all kids do, but was denied that chance because of his behavior? Do you remember?

This is just kitchen psychology, but from what you have shared, I get the sense that you've played conformist ms. nice guy with general "paternalistic" society seeking just acceptance and taking lot of abuse, until one final incident crushed your house of cards. What is most real in you is you love and compassion, and the strength of that little child who fearlessly stood up against abusive violence. But the whole thing was also extremely hurtful experience, and to avoid feeling it again, you created habit of turning your negative emotions of fear and anger and frustration towards your self instead of finding way to release them from your body and mind, or to channel them in a way that would not be conflict with your conscience.

"Please, someone tell me that life gets better and returns to some normal, even if a different normal,"

Yes, I believe it will. But I can't deny that - as we are talking on progressive political forum - what we are going through deep changes on planetary scale and we all feel now little lost and out of our comfort zone (to put it mildly). There are forces bigger than us that we can't control and can only adapt to, such as environmental restrictions of infinite growth, and we have little idea what ways of life will be sustainable. But even now amidst all this turmoil it is possible to find comfort zones, places to rest and create good life, for those who need and seek them. But to find such a place, you have to take leave something behind and take the trip to find something new that you don't yet know about. And that requires facing the fear of plunging to unknown, trusting only the love and compassion in you core being the true nature of the whole world.


PS: A poem by Cavafy came to mind, I'll post just the original, link has three different English translations:


Che fece .... il gran rifiuto

Σε μερικούς ανθρώπους έρχεται μια μέρα
που πρέπει το μεγάλο Ναι ή το μεγάλο το Όχι
να πούνε. Φανερώνεται αμέσως όποιος τόχει
έτοιμο μέσα του το Ναι, και λέγοντάς το πέρα

πηγαίνει στην τιμή και στην πεποίθησί του.
Ο αρνηθείς δεν μετανοιώνει. Aν ρωτιούνταν πάλι,
όχι θα ξαναέλεγε. Κι όμως τον καταβάλλει
εκείνο τ’ όχι — το σωστό — εις όλην την ζωή του.



http://poemsetc.blogspot.fi/2008/11/che-fece-il-gran-rifiuto.html