DH and i have been through a lot this last year and a half, nearly ending up divorced. we spent several months living in the same house, but considering the marriage over.
we got to just be who we were for a while. i didn't care if he didn't like dogs sleeping in the bed, it was my bed. i moved my parrots out of the laundry room, and into my office. he stopped for a beer on his way home from work if he wanted. we just detangled ourselves.
then some things came along that we had planned before, and we did them anyway, and it was fun because we didn't care whether the other was having fun. we were our own persons.
i didn't have what you are dealing with exactly, but what i did have was a person full of fear. mostly fear of abandonment, from childhood, and fear that our choices together were all mistakes. but above all, fear that i did not really like him.
somehow, we let the air out of that fear, and everything changed. we didn't need to jockey for position any more. we didn't need to hide feelings, or worry about what was hidden. out of that came trust. real trust.
he sounds terrified to me. you can't make him do anything, but maybe you can hold his hand in his fear. help make it safe for him to come out of where he is.
tell him i said to stop suffering needlessly. he can't possibly have done anything to make him deserve this.
and you do what you have to do. get out of the house. do new things. do things you wanted to do, that he didn't.
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