Messy stuff. [View all]
I'm in a place where I don't entirely trust my decisions. A little bit has leaked here onto DU. I say what I think and then later feel the need to claw it back, or at least apologize, but it's a bit worse in my "real" life.
The wretched thing is my body armor seems fully intact so I feel a disconnected.
Onwards, damn the bullets! Then later I trip over the self-doubt or the recognition that I've hurt someone. My dream life is haunted. I don't sleep well.
Yes, I know this is normal human stuff, but the "invisible life" is always calling me. Quit my meds, wander away and vanish into the invisible dumpster-diving darkness.
Our U.S.A. culture seems much harsher now in some ways. I'm pretty sure I'd never have been readmitted to university (twice!) in today's world, I wouldn't have taught science in public schools, I wouldn't have met my wife, wouldn't have children.
I also might have missed out on my experiences as a furniture mover, loading and unloading trucks in warehouses, or living in a car in a church parking lot, and a few edge-of-life extremes.
Sigh. Feelings like this, I muddle through.
On the other hand, if I hadn't experienced dark times, then I'd be someone else, and I'm not sure I'd have liked that person.
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