Hello. Going through a rough period of my life.

[applegrove]

3. Thirty is so young. Everyone is still a kid at thirty unless they have kids. Take the long view.

Since you'll live to be 90, thirty is still young. Many, many people are still trying to figure out what to do with their lives at that age. Another thing you can do is think 'what do I really love to do that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol?'. What is your passion? Now go and volunteer with a company that does that very thing. Write them a letter, offering to work for free one day a week. And you go there and try it on for size. If it doesn't fit - you can cross that off your list and pursue another passion. Or join a club or group that involves said passion. Chances are you'll run into people who share your love and ability in this area. And you have just expanded your life and may make a friend or two. I was so shy I couldn't talk on the phone in my early 20s. SSRIs helped and I snapped out of it by going through life and realizing I'd been selling myself short for such a long time and that I was good at many things, I was a very nice person, I did have people in my life who loved me. Once I tried more and more things (like more jobs/friendships) I built up my amour and was stronger. I stopped running those insecure tapes through my head. Grieving a loss is a muscle. With practice you get more and more confidence that you can handle loss or rejection. So go out there and practice. Use that 'take a chance, I can handle loss' muscle. And one day you'll wake up and say to yourself - you know I am still shy but people wouldn't know it and it doesn't stop me from trying new things. Good luck. You sound like you are on top of all your issues and can articulate them very well. I don't see any insecurity in your writing. Working on your personality does pan out doesn't it!!!