Help. I feel so guilty and I cannot shake it.

[pnwest]

When this all started, I was making jokes about trying not murder my boyfriend while being holed up with him for weeks. Someone pointed out to me that I should consider myself lucky, some people are separated from their loved ones. That has thrown me into a death-spiral of feeling guilty that I just cannot shake.

Please don't pile on her, I'm not saying she was wrong in pointing that out to me. She's a sweet person and did not mean that in a disparaging way at all.

My reaction is my own.

But, man did that mess me up. Since then I have not allowed myself to "have fun" in any way, I feel so terribly guilty for being so lucky to have shelter, food, weed, family...all my needs are taken care of and I'm safe. But I just feel guilty for it. There are SOO many people losing jobs, businesses, homes - how did i get so lucky? I don't deserve to be in such a good place, any more than anyone else does or doesn't deserve it. How am I so lucky? WHY am I so lucky? I don't deserve to be. And I cannot shake it.

I can't concentrate on anything, neither chores nor anything fun. I just escape into sleep, DU, Facebook and TV. I'm an artist, I can't allow myself to go to my studio and create, cause that just seems so elitist and out of touch.

I am so lucky to have everything I need, I'm not suffering in any way. I am blown away with gratitude, but I feel so guilty for being so lucky.

How do I shake this? My brain understands that I'm serving no one by sitting home in the figurative dark just chewing my nails and worrying and fretting, but my heart doesn't. My brain understands it does nothing for anyone, except exacerbate my anxiety and stress. But when I think ok, I'll let go of it, I just spiral deeper. I'm in a loop of wanting to allow myself to breathe freely, be ok, even go create art - and then falling right back into "i don't deserve that".

How do I give myself permission to be ok, and not feel guilty. Ordinarily I would go volunteer to help in some way, but in this particular case, I can't. We're both high-risk and we'd both be in deep doo-doo if we caught this. So, short of volunteering, how do I shake this guilt, and enjoy life?

thank you for listening.