So I'm trying my hand at writing

[kag]

1. Congrats, Separation!

Writing is fun, but putting it out there for people to read can be VERY scary. I absolutely applaud your initiative, and encourage you to continue. I will endeavor to be as constructive (and yes, the phrase is "constructive" criticism) as possible.

Your piece, I would assert, is more an essay than a story. In fact, in places it reads almost like free-verse poetry. Nothing wrong with that, but you should be clear about your intentions, and frame the readers' expectations appropriately.

You are obviously passionate about your subject matter, and it shows. This is important. Readers are able to discern a lot reading between the lines, and a lack of enthusiasm about ones' subject certainly shows, even in the most cursory reading. So, well done.

I appreciate the warning that it hasn't been proofed for spelling, punctuation, etc., but in the future you might want to proof it before asking others for comments. There are many spelling and punctuation errors, to the point that it sometimes distorts what I believe you were trying to say. For instance, in paragraph nine (9) you wrote, "Racism was acknowledged and those American Heroes were lynched..." I believe you left out the "never" so the sentence is confusing, but with all of the other uncorrected typos it is difficult to tell whether or not this was intentional. If you like, I could proof it for all of the spelling, etc. issues, but you might prefer that to be a private exchange. Having said that, even the most aggressive grammar nazi makes mistakes. I would hate for anyone to proofread this comment, for instance. The idea is to attempt an error-free piece; and when someone points out a typo or punctuation error, don't be offended. Correct it, and move on, secure in the confidence that no one else will see that error.

You might want to work on paragraph construction. In an essay paragraphs should start with an overall thesis or introduction, then followed by a defense or explanation, and finished with a conclusion or resolution of the subject. There is nothing wrong with short paragraphs, but one- or two-sentence paragraphs are often used for emphasis. Having your entire piece composed of these short paragraphs makes it read like--again--poetry.

I would encourage you to develop a thick skin. People can be brutal in their comments, even when they are attempting to be constructive. Just remember, it's not personal (usually). When you ask for help, be prepared to receive it and use it to make yourself a better writer. And always remember--it's your work. It has your name on it. If you receive comments that are less than constructive and obviously a matter of opinion, the only opinion that matters is yours. Feel free to ignore them.

I would be happy to proofread more of your work, and I do hope there will be more.