I think I figured out why my mom's death has been especially hard.

[Maraya1969]

Well for one thing I have no children or a partner now. But also when she was alive I was connected to my only brother and his family, especially when she was sick for so long. We had something in common and also I went with her to some of his family functions, (I've not been invited since she has gone)

My brother is a white evangelical Trump supporter. He shunned me for years because I am bisexual, (well when I had a long relationship with a woman he was a real shit. The night my partner died I called him at about 11pm because I was just crying and for some ill thought out reason I believed he could help. He answered but he wife got right on the phone and was nice to me but our conversation was very short. Immediately after we hung up he called back and said, "How dare you call us so late and wake us up!" Mind you we hadn't even had the wake yet for her. They never even sent a card.

But my parents, and then my mom kept me in touch with them - because they were family.

After mom died he and his wife came down for the memorial and then a couple months after he emailed me to tell me they had some other estate business, (he was trustee.......an entire other horrible situation and long story) and would I like to visit with them. Covid had just started and I had developed Eosinophilic asthma and was very sick so I said, "Yes but you have to wear a mask" To which he replied, "Well we'll catch you another time then" When I tried to protest he said, "We can sit outside" This was about May in South Florida and I could hardly breathe so I wouldn't even consider sitting outside in the heat.

I still tried to call him but we ended up in fights because.......Trump. He actually told me we had nothing in common and would prefer not to talk.

So, it just occurred to me that I didn't just lose my mom I lost my only sibling,. I am only close with one other cousin in the US but out relationship is sometimes strained because.....Trump. I'm kind of close with another cousin in Canada but not really so much.

Even thought he is a great big shit I still feel like I lost my whole family. I've never felt so alone. It has been a couple years and I have not gotten over it.

Also, in the last few years before my mom died she was very sick and I was her caretaker. For a while she lived with me. And we became so close or at least I felt so close to her. Gone were any resentments of the past.

I am crying over this now I think because I went to McDonalds today, not something I usually do. And I remembered how for years every time she came over she would stop there and bring my dogs a hamburger. When she would pull into my driveway I would let them out and they would run to her car and follow her like she was the Pied Piper.

Anyway I am so fucking sad and I'm crying like she died yesterday. The cruelty of my brother makes everything seem so much worse.