Both of my parents died when I was in my 20's (1990 and 1992). My sister and I fought after my Mom died in '92 and we didn't talk for a year or more. She took off leaving no forwarding address.
I was already out of the house. My first husband and I were separated and heading for divorce after he tried to kill me.
I went to a shelter for abused women and made some friends that basically adopted me and I went to holidays at their homes.
My BFF and I met there and we still help each other heal through the crazy that is all around us these days.
My son is drinking the koolaid, but has finally agreed to not talk about politics to me.
He fixed my deck stairs last weekend because they were dangerous. I was able to tell him that his work was the highlight of my weekend and that I was so glad because it was the first time in a long time that we had a very positive experience.
I also went to 12 step groups for years because the first husband was an alcoholic and my parents did some wild and crazy drinking in their younger years so my Al Anon sponsor suggested ACA - Adult Children of Alcoholics (though whatever dysfunction affected a person is also a valid reason to go there).
It really helped to go somewhere for an hour or so and just listen to ideas about getting healthier and be heard for a few minutes about what I THOUGHT about my life. Kind of a way to put myself on my calendar as they say.
But with these people outside my family who gave me acceptance and honest feedback, I was able to step away from the crazy and just live my life one day at a time.
I STILL miss my folks after all this time. I still have tears about my Dad 20 years later. We were close and I miss him SO MUCH. But I also feel they live on in how much I loved them and my memories of the good and bad times we shared.
AND my SISTER came back into my life and is my OTHER BFF. So when we put in the work on our own self and get our own needs met, it helps us be ready in case other people change. They don't always, but at least, if it happens, we are ready for the opportunity to have a healing happen.
I hope you can find a way to have a family by choice that gives you all the love and acceptance you want and need. Even if it's US at DU.
Take care,
Tigress
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