and today was not a good day for me.
(you know sometimes i think i'm doing okay, and then ...i just crash. so today i was crashing on the way to work and on the way home)
this morning my daughter asked me what i wanted for mother's day.
"i want my mom" was my answer. it's true.
so on the way to work, in the car, i said out loud:
"so, mom, what do you want for mother's day?"
and the answer i heard her say in my mind, without missing a beat:
"i just want you to be happy."
omg! i just lost it--of course she wants me to be happy. it sounds like the simplest thing when it's probably the hardest thing in the world for me right now.
i don't know what i was expecting, but i guess i wasn't expecting to hear that. i probably wasn't expecting to hear anything.
and on the way home as i drove through a neighborhood i could smell grills fired up and food cooking and i started thinking of when i used to barbecue and those summer afternoons/evenings with me managing the grill and the food for my mom and daughter. and i miss those days so terribly much, remembering how they felt, how i felt. i used to think "i love my life" -- sometimes i would even say it out loud to myself in the car when i was driving.
and then i start thinking they're gone--those days, those precious years, with my daughter still a kid and growing up and the three of us together--they're gone. and i loved them so much. those days, those times, are gone. so why am i still be here? (i know it sounds so dumb--but, like i said, i was crashing)
i'd do it all again in a heartbeat--all the years, the bitter with the sweet--i wouldn't change a thing. except to give my mom ten more years of health. (and in turn, give me ten more years with her)
...what a day...
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